2 posts tagged “coffee”

Basic coffee machine

Any suggestions, coffee lovers?  Illustrious Leader said she'd get us an office coffee machine if we hit our targets, and Varun has just pushed us over the threshold and into coffeedom.  'Send me some links to coffee machine websites,' the Boss grumbled, so now we are shopping.  Her grumpy reluctance, incidentally, is pure dissimulation.  She drinks more coffee than a private eye who moonlights as a secondary school teacher.

Ironically, Varun doesn't actually drink coffee, he thinks it tastes like dirt, so we're looking for a coffee machine that also makes hot chocolate, or perhaps Piña Coladas.  That rules out our beloved Gaggia.  Me, I'd prefer some great steaming contraption that looks like it's straight out of a Lisbon pasteis de nata cafe.

It's so exciting!  We're all looking at online demonstration videos at our respective work stations.  "You can use this one if you've got a broken leg or carrying a baby,' the Boss just shouted.  'It has buttons big enough to press with a walking stick.  Or, alternatively, a baby's head.'

'This one works out at £30 a month,' Jayne shouts.  'You buy pods.'

'£30 a month!' the boss screams.  'Pods?'  She hadn't considered the fact that you have to buy coffee to put in your machine.  'We'll have to ration.'  She delivers her standard 'war baby' speech, which we all screen out.

'Hey!  This one makes milkshakes!' says Varun.

'Coffee and milkshakes?' I ask.  'Weird.'

'No, just milkshakes.'  He taps his keys.  'Hey!  This one makes soup!'

'Soup and coffee?' I ask.

He squints at his screen.  'Actually, no.  Just soup.'  Tapping.  'Hey...!'

At some point we will have to resume working.  For now, though, we're all enjoying what might be the last high we'll ever have that wasn't at least partly caffeine-induced.

Coffee

Holy decimal places!  One of our clients has accidentally credited our company's account with £55,000, which is a lot of money to a small business.  As a principled recruitment company striving to be ethical in an unethical world, we did just what you'd expect us to do.  We petitioned the boss to get us a Gaggia coffee machine.   

She was having none of it.  'That's not your money to spend,' she said, implying that it was hers.  She withdrew to her lair.  Thinking she would relent, we began running round the office throwing small change in the air and letting it shower down on our heads.  We heard the clacking of her keyboard in her office.  She was undoubtedly shopping for plane tickets to Maui.  'We'll get here tomorrow morning and she'll be long gone,' our lead consultant opined.  'Damn it, I could almost smell that cappuccino.'

'Get back to work!' our illustrious leader shouted from behind her portcullis.  'The presently-accruing interest from our 55k isn't going to pay your salaries.'  Then, quieter, 'Though it might... if I invest it well.'

It fell to me - a mere admin monkey - to be the voice of reason.  I went into the boss's office and told her that we had a good opportunity to show our client how much integrity we possess.  I had to speak up, because my co-workers were still throwing money around outside the office and whooping.  'You should tell them about their mistake straight away.  Don't even leave it in the bank long enough for the interest to pay for a fantastic Gaggia coffee machine that would fill the office with a heavenly aroma.'

'I've already done it,' she said.  'I've just emailed them.'

'Are you insane?  Couldn't you wait till the end of the month?'

'Get out.'

I moped out of her office to find everyone on their hands and knees, scrabbling for the change we'd flung everywhere.  With a sigh I joined the fray.

If anyone ever asks you what business ethics smells like - and they might - you can now tell them with authority.  It smells like instant coffee.